Month: September 2017

Marriage Myth Debunked


Ah, the Marriage Myth.  The belief that my partner should just know what I’m thinking without me having to tell them.  I hear this from couples way too frequently and it is damaging to the relationship.  Why?  Because it is a marriage myth - it is simply not true!  Not being able to read your spouse’s mind does not mean you do not love them.  It means you are human!

Let me clarify something.  Couples will tell me that they can finish each other's sentences so they think this is mind reading.  This is where the myth comes in.  The reason you can finish each other's sentences is because you have gotten to know your partner very well and understand how they think and act.  This ability comes from spending time talking about what each other likes/dislikes, your fears and hopes, etc.  It comes from time and effort put into the relationship to form a strong friendship.  When couples grow complacent or put their relationship on the back burner, their communication suffers.  So rather than putting forth the effort of rekindling that friendship, they fall into the marriage myth of believing their spouse can read their mind and then become angry or resentful when they fail!  That is setting the relationship up for failure.

This is where direct communication is so important.  (Please see my post for communication tips). If we are not clear about what we need or want our partner has to fill in the blanks.  And they will be using their own filter to do so which means chances are they are going to think about their greatest hope or worst fear, not yours.  They will respond based on their own answers, not what you need.  This will lead to anger and frustration and you will react out of those feelings.  This leads to a downward spiral and circular arguments.

Remember debunking the marriage myth is about communicating.  It is about being clear in what you need and want.  It is about understanding and validating what your partner needs and wants.  By taking out the guess work you are able to understand each other clearly.  Once there is understanding, there can be resolution.