The number one issue I hear about in couples counseling is poor communication. This can mean many different things. I would like to talk about communication regarding understanding perspective.
When a couple argues they often complain that the other is not listening to them. They keep saying the same thing over and over and their partner keeps saying they are wrong and does “not get it.”
One reason this happens is because we do not listen to understand our partner. Usually, we listen just enough to plan what our response is going to be. We are only thinking about wanting our partner to get what we are saying so we are not focused on what they are trying to say. This can easily lead to an impasse.
So, what if you changed how you listened to your partner and really tried to see their perspective or point of view? To help do this, imagine you have a pair of glasses on that have a green lens and your partner has glasses on with a red lens.
You keep telling your partner everything is green. You do not understand how they cannot see that. Your partner is arguing just as passionately that everything is really red. They are asking why you don’t “get” them.
Who is right? Is everything green or is everything red?
Now, switch glasses with your partner. What do you see? Looking through your partner’s “eyes” you see the red they were talking about. You say to your partner, “Oh, I get it now! I can understand why you thought everything was red.” And your partner now understands why you thought everything was green.
You both were right. Each of you has a point of view on the situation and each point of view is valid. Both can exist at the same time.
By being able to look at a situation through your partner’s eyes validates their experience. It makes them feel heard and can soften their stance. When you demonstrate you are willing to hear them and be open to their thinking, they are more willing to be open to your way of thinking. This allows the two of you to then start talking about a resolution that is neither just your way nor their way. It is actually somewhere in the middle.
So, the next time you and your partner are disagreeing, set aside your glasses and ask if you can try on their glasses. Really look at how they are viewing the situation and share that understanding. You might be surprised at how this shifts the conversation!