Almost every couple I meet with for the very first time tell me they want to communicate better. When I ask them what that means, they have a hard time defining it. They might say they want to feel “heard” or “understood.” They might say my partner does not “get” what I’m trying to say. What many people struggle with is being able to identify the basic concepts of how to communicate.
Most people think of communication as only what is said. When we communicate with others, there are 2 components. One is what and how we say something. The other is how we hear what is being said. Both are necessary and vital in understanding one another.
When we are speaking to our partner, we want to keep in mind 3 aspects: timing, tone and word choice. Let’s talk about timing first. When we want to discuss something sensitive or important with our partner, we need to pick a time when there will be no distractions or interruptions. If, for example, our partner is making dinner and we approach them, they may be only half listening because their main focus is on cooking dinner. They may be responding to you but in a half listening kind of way. Naturally, we would feel frustrated or hurt that they are not fully participating, and the conversation can break down quickly giving us the exact opposite of what we wanted.
Be sure to choose wisely when asking your partner for a meaningful conversation. You might want to tell them you have something you want to discuss with them and ask when a good time for them would be. That way you know they can give you their full attention. You might say, “Hey hon, there is something important I want to share with you. When would be a good time for you?”
Next is tone. This is all about how we say something. Are we using a soft tone? Is there sarcasm or facetiousness or contempt? Are we yelling? Is it respectful? We want to be sure we are using a tone that demonstrates we want our partner to hear us and engage with us. I’m not saying you must be devoid of emotion or matter of fact. I am saying that we must manage the emotion in our tone so we can stay engaged. If we are being disrespectful, our partner may close up and refuse to share. Thus, ending the conversation before it even begins.
Third is word choice. This is straightforward and obvious. It is important to choose our words carefully. There are many ways we can say something. We can choose words that are hurtful, or we can use words that are easier to hear. We want to be honest and respectful at the same time. Thinking about how we would want to receive a difficult message can be helpful in picking the best words to use. For example, if your partner asks if a color, they are wearing looks good on them, you could say “No, you look like a ghost!” Not the kindest word choice. Instead, you may say, “I think there are other colors that are more flattering on you.” Your partner can appreciate the feedback and accept what you said without their feelings being hurt.
The second component to communication is how we listen or hear our partner. If we anticipate that our partner is going to say something negative, then we hear something negative even if it is positive or neutral! It is important that we set aside our feelings in that moment and really listen to understand what our partner is trying to express. Think of this as hearing something in the spirit in which it is being given.
This component can be quite the challenge! Summarizing and acknowledging emotion is very helpful in making sure we are correctly hearing our partner and not interpreting what they are saying. Using a phrase like, “What I heard you say…” can be helpful with this. Our partner then has the opportunity to clarify their message before any miscommunication can set in.
So, when you want to communicate with your partner, think about how you say it and how you hear them. Remember, we have one mouth and two ears (that must be important!). Let’s use them wisely!